[The way he looks at the notebook, it's almost as if he's reciting off a list of problems, revealing themselves between ruled lines.]
It's too straightforward. There's little flow. All the sentences are choppy, and when they're not, they're overly convoluted. Isn't this a little too purple?
Though really, it's not like it's much of a surprise. He's still very new at this and unlike Leader regarding his cooking, Ryousuke tells him right off bat which parts requires dire working.]
I see... but, nonetheless! I appreciate your criticism and will work hard in fixing these problems.
[Oh? There's no spluttering or protest or even blind shock. He really did accept it.
Ryousuke's passing the notebook back, and reaches for his tea. It's cold. As much as he doesn't like to leave a story unfinished, it seems incomplete as it is. There's a lot of reworking to be done.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yes, please! I'd like any sort of criticism or thought you may have!
no subject
It's too straightforward. There's little flow. All the sentences are choppy, and when they're not, they're overly convoluted. Isn't this a little too purple?
no subject
[Finally, he looks over the notebook, holding Sugane's gaze, smile wide.]
It sucks.
[fucking savage]
no subject
Though really, it's not like it's much of a surprise. He's still very new at this and unlike Leader regarding his cooking, Ryousuke tells him right off bat which parts requires dire working.]
I see... but, nonetheless! I appreciate your criticism and will work hard in fixing these problems.
no subject
[He's more determined to make these as best as he can now.]
no subject
Ryousuke's passing the notebook back, and reaches for his tea. It's cold. As much as he doesn't like to leave a story unfinished, it seems incomplete as it is. There's a lot of reworking to be done.]
Here you go.
[Maybe next time.]