[ there's no better word for what haruichi feels than stunned.
ryousuke has never been an affectionate older brother. haruichi can count the times he's gotten a form of personal contact from him in all fifteen years of his life (that he can remember, anyway) on one hand. hugs, kisses, sweet gestures, kindnesses--these are not the ryousuke way, and haruichi is fine with his life that way. when he was a child he used to wish it, a little, but haruichi never resented his brother for it, either. rather, it just made ryousuke feel more unattainable, made him want to chase him more and more, following in the giant shadow of his achievements and accomplishments, of his hard work. he's always given him a goal to strive for: coddling need not apply.
and yet.
he's a little surprised when his head's bowed forward, but haruichi's eyes go huge and wide as he stares down at the floor between them, realizing exactly what just happened. he's not even sure how to process ryousuke's gesture, because even the littlest things (an offer to practice together) could make his day. this is almost overload. haruichi's never doubted that his brother loved him--even if sometimes it felt like he needed to--because it was a basal fact, even if he didn't show it. but having it here, the physical proof in something as sweet and simple as a forehead kiss, has left haruichi utterly at a loss.
he's completely forgotten about the mistletoe, about anything but this little moment, and haruichi doesn't dare lift his head, doesn't dare move or speak for fear he might ruin it for a solid moment. it takes a breath in, a breath out, before he murmurs ] Aniki... [ though tonally it sounds more like wonder than it does worry.
if this is a moment he has to snap out of, he's not sure if he wants to. ]
[Ryousuke inhales sharp, the gravity of what just occurred between them harshly pulling him back in.
Instinct says to put some distance between them, but the back of his legs already press into the edge of the bed, and for once in his life he can't bring himself to let loose a snarky comment, can't just play it off as a joke or deflect. Haruichi, wide-eyed and confused, leaves him strangely- defenceless.
He's searching his brother's face, for reassurance, any indication that he truly hasn't fucked this up irreparably.
He's probably fucked it up.
He's spent so long telling himself this couldn't happen. Taught himself to keep his distance. Ryousuke was never supposed to be the loving older brother. Not the kind who could tell Haruichi everything was fine when it wasn't, the kind to say that his best was enough, that Ryousuke would be proud of him no matter what. Call it messed up, but he couldn't let Haruichi know he's already there, and has been there since the very beginning.
Haruichi can't stop now.]
Haruichi, I-
[Is this where a normal older brother would say "I love you"?]
[His hands drop to his sides.] I'm going back to bed.
[ he hears the gasp before he sees any recognition on his brother's face, and haruichi lifts his head to look at him, his bangs still knocked aside enough to show one wide, shocked eye. his cheeks have taken on a little bit of their familiar flush, not out of embarrassment but simply out of surprise, and a feeling of warmth akin to ducking into a bathtub after a long day at practice. if ryousuke's looking for reassurance, for words, he won't find them here, in the face of his younger brother--here, he'll just find wonder, shock, his breath still held.
it is a universally acknowledged fact that haruichi kominato loves his older brother. he loves ryousuke more than he loves baseball. for all of his life, his back has been in front of him, safety even with a distant hand. being teased, being regarded coldly, being pushed away, none of this has ever once deterred how much he admires, respects and adores his older brother. he is obvious where ryousuke is aloof, but even then these sorts of gestures feel out of his reach, like an uncrossable bridge. if haruichi has always loved him, then ryousuke has always been far away from him, and in this very moment, suddenly he was right there.
he's not sure what he's expecting him to say--haruichi's not sure if there are words either of them can say to change this, the fragile little moment that's just occurred between them, the sudden reality of what had always been an assumed fact. he can't even imagine ryousuke saying i love you.
and yet, when he drops his hands, the moment's gone, and haruichi can't help but feel a little hollow for it as things return to normal. he takes a step back, finally, belatedly, and nods his head, putting his bangs back into place with the motion. he doesn't trust his traitorous voice to speak, to say something and ruin it all.
swallowing a lump in his throat he didn't know was there (or why; is it sadness, happiness? maybe a mix of both, something bittersweet), haruichi's hands clasp in front of him and he steps back a little further, leaving the moment (and snowball, for that matter) behind, until he finally murmurs-- ] Sleep well, aniki. [ soft, barely a whisper, and then turns to leave the room.
aniki's going to be harsh for a few days, he thinks, shutting the door softly behind him, but it doesn't deter the little smile on his face as he returns to his room. ]
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no subject
ryousuke has never been an affectionate older brother. haruichi can count the times he's gotten a form of personal contact from him in all fifteen years of his life (that he can remember, anyway) on one hand. hugs, kisses, sweet gestures, kindnesses--these are not the ryousuke way, and haruichi is fine with his life that way. when he was a child he used to wish it, a little, but haruichi never resented his brother for it, either. rather, it just made ryousuke feel more unattainable, made him want to chase him more and more, following in the giant shadow of his achievements and accomplishments, of his hard work. he's always given him a goal to strive for: coddling need not apply.
and yet.
he's a little surprised when his head's bowed forward, but haruichi's eyes go huge and wide as he stares down at the floor between them, realizing exactly what just happened. he's not even sure how to process ryousuke's gesture, because even the littlest things (an offer to practice together) could make his day. this is almost overload. haruichi's never doubted that his brother loved him--even if sometimes it felt like he needed to--because it was a basal fact, even if he didn't show it. but having it here, the physical proof in something as sweet and simple as a forehead kiss, has left haruichi utterly at a loss.
he's completely forgotten about the mistletoe, about anything but this little moment, and haruichi doesn't dare lift his head, doesn't dare move or speak for fear he might ruin it for a solid moment. it takes a breath in, a breath out, before he murmurs ] Aniki... [ though tonally it sounds more like wonder than it does worry.
if this is a moment he has to snap out of, he's not sure if he wants to. ]
no subject
Instinct says to put some distance between them, but the back of his legs already press into the edge of the bed, and for once in his life he can't bring himself to let loose a snarky comment, can't just play it off as a joke or deflect. Haruichi, wide-eyed and confused, leaves him strangely- defenceless.
He's searching his brother's face, for reassurance, any indication that he truly hasn't fucked this up irreparably.
He's probably fucked it up.
He's spent so long telling himself this couldn't happen. Taught himself to keep his distance. Ryousuke was never supposed to be the loving older brother. Not the kind who could tell Haruichi everything was fine when it wasn't, the kind to say that his best was enough, that Ryousuke would be proud of him no matter what. Call it messed up, but he couldn't let Haruichi know he's already there, and has been there since the very beginning.
Haruichi can't stop now.]
Haruichi, I-
[Is this where a normal older brother would say "I love you"?]
[His hands drop to his sides.] I'm going back to bed.
no subject
it is a universally acknowledged fact that haruichi kominato loves his older brother. he loves ryousuke more than he loves baseball. for all of his life, his back has been in front of him, safety even with a distant hand. being teased, being regarded coldly, being pushed away, none of this has ever once deterred how much he admires, respects and adores his older brother. he is obvious where ryousuke is aloof, but even then these sorts of gestures feel out of his reach, like an uncrossable bridge. if haruichi has always loved him, then ryousuke has always been far away from him, and in this very moment, suddenly he was right there.
he's not sure what he's expecting him to say--haruichi's not sure if there are words either of them can say to change this, the fragile little moment that's just occurred between them, the sudden reality of what had always been an assumed fact. he can't even imagine ryousuke saying i love you.
and yet, when he drops his hands, the moment's gone, and haruichi can't help but feel a little hollow for it as things return to normal. he takes a step back, finally, belatedly, and nods his head, putting his bangs back into place with the motion. he doesn't trust his traitorous voice to speak, to say something and ruin it all.
swallowing a lump in his throat he didn't know was there (or why; is it sadness, happiness? maybe a mix of both, something bittersweet), haruichi's hands clasp in front of him and he steps back a little further, leaving the moment (and snowball, for that matter) behind, until he finally murmurs-- ] Sleep well, aniki. [ soft, barely a whisper, and then turns to leave the room.
aniki's going to be harsh for a few days, he thinks, shutting the door softly behind him, but it doesn't deter the little smile on his face as he returns to his room. ]